In My Own Words

Loving In Spite Of Anger

peace

Sometimes, my mouth and ego gets in the way. You ever feel that way? Today I said some things that hurt someone I love. I’m not trying to justify lashing out at someone just because you’re hurt but dang man! You mean I can’t have an opinion and feelings about a certain way their acting or voice those feelings without them going into defense mode?Yeah I probably could have been way more tactful about it and  it may have come off sounding as if I was judging them, but I wasn’t. I wanted them to see that there is more to life than what’s in the past. They are capable of so much more.

I only wanted to help. I’ve been trying to subtly help for the last 2 years. Encouraging texts, giving words of affirmation and just trying to hang out but it was to no avail. Every single time I offered to hang out, something always came up or they don’t feel like it that week. Now as most people know me, they understand that my schedule is super crazy most weeks so when I schedule time with someone, I’d like to follow through with it.  And when you cancel on me two days before we even hang out….well I was mad! I was also hurt and frustrated. And then I lashed out. Like a cork popping, I let all of my emotions about the situation and the last few years just explode. I doubt it was very nice to read that emotional text at 6am. It wasn’t my proudest moment for sure.

We all do it to some degree and don’t want to admit that we might have just royally messed up our relationship with that person. Some of the things I felt were justified in being said, mainly because NO ONE else would say them. Everyone just tip-toed around the subject like it was the elephant in the room. As I’ve gotten older, I’m more of an in-your-face type of person and don’t really hold much back. But with this…knowing what the reaction would be, I’d kept quiet. I’d struggled with what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it. Always trying to find the right time and place, but never could.

I was accused of not being there, of not knowing what they’d been through. They were right. I hadn’t been and I didn’t know; I didn’t know all the nasty details. I wanted to be there. I struggled real hard and prayed to God everyday to help me change the way I felt about the situation. I spent many nights crying, asking for a little peace. Praying they would be okay and would find their way out of the mess they’d made. Finally I just had to let go. I had to walk away from a toxic relationship because it was breaking me apart inside watching it all unfold. And then I found forgiveness. It was a hard battle but I found it. I wanted to use it. But they wouldn’t let me in. They wouldn’t let anyone in. And that hurt even more.

After my verbal explosion and the nuclear reaction that ensued, I tried to explain in a different manner about where I was coming from. Why I felt the way I did. But it was no use. That person just clammed up and will probably never speak to me again. Mainly because they heard only what they wanted to hear and then twisted my words to suit them and paint themselves as the victim of a family member’s verbal attack on their life. I know what kind of person they are deep down. They’re good and would do anything for anyone. But they would rather live in the past and let their mistakes define who they are and their future.

I said I had been trying to mend a broken relationship and bridge the gap between us. I don’t know how and I don’t know when or even if it will ever be fixed. But I have to try. Sometimes we as family have to give doses of tough love. We say things to them that they don’t want to hear but they need to hear it. Because we love them. Because we care. I tried, I really did. I’m still trying and I will keep on trying. I want to help them, because that’s what family is about. I love them because that’s what family does. And even when they hate us, family still loves.

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